Today Kelly's Korner is doing a link-up for step-parents. I can totally jump in on that topic! Do I think I have it down? NO WAY! But, I am hoping to gain wisdom from some of these ladies that also are part of this step-parenting world.
This is Shelby Elizabeth. I prefer to call her my "BONUS daughter". She likes that. She is a beautiful, special and delightful girl...one who has taught me more about myself (good, bad and ugly) than I ever dreamed.
When Brad and I met, I knew he had a daughter. When I decided I loved Brad, I agreed to love Shelby too...Heart AND Soul. I have a daughter, so I didn't know how in the world I would feel when I became a "step-mom" to another one. I'm going to be really honest right now and say...THIS IS HARD STUFF Y'ALL. Our situation is FAR from the norm, so we've had to create our own normal.
We are the true YOURS, MINE and OURS situation. Shelby is Brad's, Anna Claire is mine, and Barrett is ours. But we are The Duff's...TEAM DUFF...a FAMILY in every sense of the word possible. Shelby isn't with us full time, Anna Claire and Barrett are, so it creates an odd family dynamic at times. Brad is such a great Daddy to all three. He takes Shelby to dinner once a week so that they can have alone time. It is THEIR time...uninterrupted and although at first I had a hard time understanding why they just HAD to have that time together, now I understand it and see its benefits. Shelby visits us on the 2nd and 4th weekend of each month and utimately it is HER choice when she comes over. We make sure and stress this to her often that we ALWAYS want her, but we do understand that she may have something fun come up that she'd rather be a part of. My daughter, Anna Claire, is with us almost full time, aside from 2-3 day visits a month with her Dad, so I don't consider her situation that quite as difficult to handle. Anna Claire and Shelby love eachother (most of the time) just like real sisters do!
The hardest parts have been building trust with Shelby. It is up to me to show her who I am when she is with ME, and let HER realize that I am a genuine, good person and mom, and that I really do love her. When asked about her mother, even though she and I don't speak very often, I say all the time that her mother has to have some wonderful qualities for two reasons...one because my husband did love her at one time and I think he is pretty great, and two Shelby is such a sweetheart! I pray that both of her sets of parents continue to focus on Shelby's well-being!
Another hard part is fitting in enough FUN, but living a realistic life on the weekends we have her. Those who know me know that I am a little OCD and have it all mapped out at times. Sometimes to a fault...so "letting go" of the little things has been very hard for me at times. I want her to be a part of so much, but she can't always be...but when she's not there she is ALWAYS in our conversations, our prayers and our hearts.
Another hard part is fitting in enough FUN, but living a realistic life on the weekends we have her. Those who know me know that I am a little OCD and have it all mapped out at times. Sometimes to a fault...so "letting go" of the little things has been very hard for me at times. I want her to be a part of so much, but she can't always be...but when she's not there she is ALWAYS in our conversations, our prayers and our hearts.
Do I have all the answers...no. Is it a "picture perfect" life...NO. Is it what I thought I'd be doing at 31 years old...NO, but God is teaching me to be patient...give HIM the control and show his love to all three of these little lives that are entrusted to me, even if one of them is part-time.
The advice I can give is to excercise PATIENCE, let go of the things that don't really matter (which is a lot to kids), don't question your husband's loyalty to his child (I've never done this...ha!), don't expect things to be perfect (nope...not me!), make memories when you can, but don't be upset when your time with your step-child(ren) wasn't picture perfect, pray...PRAY...PRAY!!!, and make decisions TOGETHER. Also keep in mind that the child is the one that really has the stress. They have to go back and forth, juggle two SETS of parents and several different sets of grandparents, family members, etc. Check in with them often to see how THEY are feeling and make sure you do not speak ugly about their other home. Also, realize that their two homes may be VERY different , so don't expect them to fall right in line with the way you live each time they come over...give them GRACE.
I want nothing more than to leave a Christ-like legacy for my children, something that changes the course of our families' future...no more divorce...no more broken homes...a family that honors Christ and shows his love to others...even if one of those children is my "Bonus daughter".
2 comments:
I'm stopping by from Kelly's link up. I like yourself dont have a perfect life with our step children but it's so nice knowing your not alone in this role.
Thank you for sharing! :)
I stopped over from Kelly's corner and I just want to say that your post brought me to tears. I'm an adult now, but my parents divorced and remarried when I was growing up. There were hundreds of ups and downs and, for the most part, my parents were amazing. However, somewhere along the line they forgot that my sister and I were the ones juggling all of the families and commitments. And, after awhile, seemed to gloss over that because "it has been so long we should be over it by now." To hear you say that it is the child with the stress is amazing and shows just how amazing of a stepmom/mom you are. You and your husband are doing it right if you get that. Please also remember it does not get easier on the child as they become adults. Navigating weddings, children, college visits, etc. is every bit, if not more, hard than being a kid living at home. Having two families is a permanent thing for the child, whereas the parents tend to move on from dealing with itonce the kid grows up. But it sounds like you truly get that and I have no doubt that Shelby and your other children will be eternally grateful for your love and support as they become adults. I am praying for your entire family. Stepfamilies aren't easy, but when they work, they are truly blessings. And yours sounds like a blessing!
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